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a letter to my e-stalker

Dear Angry Spirited aka Coy Mana aka Beautiful Spirited One,

You have been a profoundly entertaining source of amusement these past few weeks and I would like to take this opportunity to thank you. If it weren’t for your genuinely psychopathic fixation on me and my relationships, I probably wouldn’t have had any reason to continue talking to my ex girlfriend and I would never have realized that despite our breakup, there is still plenty of mutual respect and affection there. Dare I say it is more than enough to form the foundation of a renewed friendship that should prove invaluable.

Since you refuse to emerge from the safety of your Hoaxmail account, I have little recourse but to retort in public view. So if I may, that’s what I’m going to do now. Below are quotes from the emails you have been sending to myself and short haired girl, my ex girlfriend.

From: Coy
Date: Wed, Sep 14, 2011 at 4:38 PM
Subject: STOP

You can’t hide from me. I told you before, stop interfering with my sister’s love life. STOP IT NOW! You will REGRET it if you don’t.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!

C Mana

That one wasn’t to me per se, it was sent to my ex. However, this is where the emails start because you can’t reach her by phone anymore. In fact, she kind of still thinks I’m the one behind this harassment, so she won’t give me her new phone number. Since I don’t have her number, we have little recourse but to stay in constant contact via google talk and email. Ironically, we barely ever spoke on the phone when I had her number anyway. I hate talking on the phone. I don’t even talk to my current girlfriend on the phone. You have her work email address, so you can ask her that yourself if you don’t believe me.

That brings us to this next little gem:

from Coy hippy.librarian@gmail.com
date Fri, Sep 16, 2011 at 7:03 PM
subject Re: STOP

[photo taken from my old MySpace profile for Digital Death of me and my ex posing in a semi-erotic yet fully clothed fashion]

awwww

When i got this one, I was thinking to myself “where the hell did this picture come from?” Mostly because I had been looking at it on my computer a few days earlier as I was sorting some old photos. Then I remembered that I had put this up for the world to grab on MySpace in a profile I created for Digital Death. That was when i realized I was dealing with an idiot. Why would you send me pictures of myself and my ex to… um… myself and my ex? Its almost like you want us to get back together or something. Well, that’s not going to happen. At least not until you send my current girlfriend Photoshopped images of me having sex with a barn animal. Actually, she’s a vegetarian. Maybe it should be of me with a giant piece of broccoli? Yeah, that might piss her off. Vegetarians aren’t too keen on vegetable abuse.

But you didn’t stop there, you found something else I had on MySpace:

from Coy hippy.librarian@gmail.com
date Fri, Sep 16, 2011 at 7:02 PM
subject Re: STOP

[photo of two incredibly attractive and incredibly naked women sleeping on my couch in a house i rented years ago]

sexy night i see

Why yes, it was a sexy night Angry. Not very many guys get to have a night like that. But you know, my ex girlfriend had a thing for girls and would quite often allow me to indulge myself as well. “Bring home a cashier?” I would ask when she would set off to Target. “Maybe…” she would tease. Sometimes she actually did, so to speak.

But wait, the From address is Coy hippie.librarian@gmail.com. Wow, you really had me going there with your amazing ability to send from anything. So you know my current girlfriend is an incredibly sexy tree hugging vegetable munching librarian. Troll Facebook much? I was on a date with her when i got these pics. I showed them to her and we had a good laugh about your inept social engineering skills and potential inadequacy issues.

So then you got even dumber.

from Coy t**********0@gmail.com
date Fri, Sep 16, 2011 at 4:03 PM
subject Re: STOP

This one had no message in the body, but the intended message was loud and clear. That from address was one of my own gmail accounts, one I used for buying stuff online and other things that I don’t want my actual email address used for. Hoaxmail does a pretty good job of making you think something is coming from somewhere when it isn’t, and this is one of those cases where it isn’t. You did try getting into my account though, using some kind of proxy bot planted on my ex girlfriend’s computer. You also have a key logger there. Nice job. Now we know you’re a pathetic little script kiddie bored to tears because nobody wants to fuck a crippled psycho in a wheelchair. As an aside, her hard drive is in an envelope on some federal agent’s desk by now.

Lets move on, shall we? You waited a little while, then changed your mood a bit.

from Angry Spirited@server1.jbproducts.net
date Thu, Sep 22, 2011 at 12:20 AM
subject Hey There

Miss me?
I know you two still have feelings for each other and I told you what would happen if you interfered in my sisters happiness. So now it gets serious.
This is a promise.

This message, like all of the others except for a select few, came to both me and my ex. Well, I hate to point out the obvious here Angry, but we just broke up at this point, so yeah we still have feelings for each other. However, they aren’t the kinds of feelings that get two people to jump in the sack, if you get my meaning. Its really hard to ignore the irony in this message. Not only do you want us to stop talking, you’re giving us so much material to talk about. Needless to say our communication increased. Because of you.

So at some point you feel it necessary to type your messages in the subject line again as if you were some kind of computer illiterate cubicle monkey in the basement of an irrelevant business on the verge of collapsing under the weight of its own obsolescence.

from Angry Spirited beauty@universalsoul.com
date Fri, Sep 30, 2011 at 5:00 AM
subject Really?

At this point I thought i would just tumblr a reply to you and attempt to communicate to you on your own level. That of course being the level of an angsty teenage troll existing solely in the depths of the slashes on 4chan, and possibly in your morbidly obese mother’s basement. Don’t you just hate that smell of urine radiating out from her favorite chair every time you go up the stairs into the kitchen to make your fat ass another bowl of sugar and cornflakes?

Yes, Angry Spirited, really.

Stop being a pussy stalker-fag bitch and come out so we can curb stomp you properly, unless you really are just a pathetic little script kiddie with a Hoaxmail account.

I didn’t really get much of a reaction. I was kind of disappointing by that, but then i realized that I had a job and a girlfriend and people that care about me. And a lot of Battlestar Galactica to watch. Anyway, here was the next thing I got from you.

from Beautiful Spirited beauty@universalsoul.com
reply-to “beauty@universalsoul.com”
date Mon, Oct 3, 2011 at 9:06 AM
subject Thanks

Damon,

I understand our relationship exceptionally better now. Thank you for articulating it to me in your special way. Notwithstanding, I am saddened that you were not able to conclude it was me from the start. You have all of the clues in front of you.

I apologize for the inconvenience I have caused. But I needed to know where your heart was placed.

I hope you have enjoyed my merrymaking. I look forward to spending quality time with you now, without the foreshadowing of your past.

Love you!

Wow. You love me? Well of course you must. I mean this whole thing was just you looking out for “your sister”, whomever the fuck that is. And my well being of course. Now that I have your approval to continue doing what I was going to do anyway, I will do so. I am pleased, however, that you were able to translate my venomous hostilities into something resembling the reaction you must have been looking for this whole time. I still have no idea who the hell you are or why I need your approval. I also have no idea what “foreshadowing of your past” is.

Unfortunately, you didn’t mean what you said. I got this from you Wednesday night.

from Beautiful Spirited One beauty@universalsoul.com
date Wed, Oct 5, 2011 at 10:51 PM
subject Something is different between us.

What ever could it be?

I have no idea what’s different. Maybe its the fact that you’re using an iPhone to send your crap? That capitalization is signature, man. I changed my cat box before reading this. Is that what you mean? Maybe my apartment isn’t so smelly? Maybe the something that’s different is the fact that I don’t give a flying monkey’s tumor filled ball sack about whatever it is you’re trying to achieve here? But apparently you do, because you’re still mad about me talking to my ex for some reason.

from Angry Spirited beauty@universalsoul.com
date Fri, Oct 7, 2011 at 4:16 PM
subject Why?

Why must you two still talk to each other? Why are you still friends. Stop it now. Just stop it!

Angry, let me help you out by informing you that questions end in question marks, not periods. I realize they don’t teach you that kind of thing in the inventory closet of 7 Eleven, but you could at least try to behave as if you are part of the literate population. Learn to read, then discover your local library’s collection of materials concerning grammar and punctuation.

You need to know something, Angry. You need to understand that whatever you are trying to accomplish is only bringing me closer to the people I care about. My ex girlfriend and I are close friends and we care about each other. We won’t stop talking. We won’t stop caring about each other. We won’t stop being friends. If your intent is to use her to drive a wedge between myself and my current girlfriend, good luck asshole. We’re deeply in love and its going to take more than a few harassing emails to break this party up. You really should get on those Photoshopped images of me having sex with farm animals and broccoli. Man that would drive the hippie librarian nuts, i just know it.

Sincerely,

long haired boy

p.s. I didn’t miss the fact that you set a reply-to address in your Hoaxmail account. I just haven’t gotten around to exchanging pointed statements with you yet. kisses!

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