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Figuratively, I want to never use literally again

The car literally blew up in the street. I will literally kill you. She is literally on fire. Literally none if that shit is true, and the word Literally is so tired it’s drifting off into the guardrail. I say let it roll down the embankment in flames.

I could say I figuratively want to fucking kill you, but does it have the same punch as a bunch of L sounds rolled up into a word sock and swung into your ear hole? Maybe it should. It does start with F, and F is a HAM letter in my opinion. F gave us the mother of all swiss army swears, a word that literally fits anywhere in a sentence. It didn’t stop there, however. It went ahead and gave us Frickin’, with it’s unnecessary apostrophe. Frigate, a type of badass boat. Frack (or Frak depending of course on if Starbuck was a man or a woman), the best variation of Fuck yet. And Figuratively.

It sounds so much harder than Literally, and it actually presents the truth. Nothing is as hard as the truth. Truth gets shit done. Truth is a weapon of champions. The truth Figuratively hurts and that makes it HAMer than Literally which Figuratively rolls off the tongue like a drunken transient rolls off a curb.

I say we use it. Use it anywhere you would have used Literally, except where you probably should have used Literally, which is ironically also likely to be a place that you didn’t. I’m figuratively going to use it every-fucking-where. Figuratively.