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how requiring id for prepaid phone purchases will destroy the economy

now you get to buy phones for terrorists

apparently some concerned senators have tabled some legislation that will force you to present id at the counter when you buy a prepaid phone; not that its going to stop anyone from bombing your local government facility. it will, however, give law enforcement a starting point when the actual user of the phone begins planning his reign of terror.

this might actually be good news for terrorists. it provides a far more clear cut framework for setting somebody else up to take the fall for whatever dastardly deeds lie in wait to affect the general public. instead of going in there wearing the usual “jihads r omg lol” t-shirt and army boots, terrorists will now be forced to use homeless people and little old ladies to get their phones. imagine a world full of little old ladies in jail for helping some confused extremist bastards blow themselves up. you want your grams in there with betty “the bruiser” macmeatfist?

locking up grandmas and hobos would be detrimental to fundraisers of all kinds. without bake sales and knitting circles raising money to help the homeless, charities would be forced to fire employees and close up shop, costing millions in jobs. vendors serving bingo halls free care clinics would immediately lose vast sums of money in sales forcing them to find business elsewhere. and with all the hobos in jail, there would be noone to help to begin with. all because the terrorists can’t buy thier own phones.

its not just about terror, though. its also about the myriad other shenanigans committed using disposable crime-phones. this will somehow help the feds finally nail that sick bastard slinging bags of tricks on the corner by the liquor store. it might even bring an end to prostitution and return everyone’s stolen property. it could even feed the starving cave dwellers.

all of that is wonderful pie in the sky, but will seriously affect the income of the average teenage american. teenagers need these shit phones so they can keep the peeps hooked up. if the peeps don’t stay hooked up, the paper don’t flow. this sudden stop in community business cash infusion will clearly have a negative impact on neighborhood scale economies throughout the country. if the kids can’t do their business, then they’ll stop buying movie tickets, fast food, fashion accessories, over sized shoes, cigarettes, orange soda and stupid giant wings for their ragged out honda civics. local businesses will suffer a drop in income that will in turn result in a drop in sales tax revenue.

we also can’t ignore the obvious impact this will have on a national level. music purchases will suffer a drastic decrease because teenagers, old ladies and hobos are no longer buying music online. amazon.com and other online retailers will be forced to cut back on staff and services due to the immediate drop in sales for zunes, ipods, wolf and moon t-shirts, various clothing and accessories featuring marijuana leaves, rubber bracelets shaped like animals, and glittery lip gloss.

without the bake sales and with the increase in bored disconnected teenagers, old ladies, and hobos, the sudden rise in domestic house fires will overwhelm the already undermanned and underfunded local fire departments. as a result entire neighborhoods will burn to the ground forcing major retail chains to board up shops and make corporate wide cut backs.

riots, violence, and death will inevitably ensue as fire and poverty rampage across the nation along with the military forces called out to deal with it. the nation will fall into a twisted orwellian dystopia for decades to come and the survivors will be the lost citizens of the largest third world nation on earth. that wouldn’t be very good at all.

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