its big news: microsoft finally got its filthy paws on all of that invasive data that yahoo has been gathering on us for years with its ad network. we’re talking what you like to buy, where you shop, what you read, who you’re bumpin’ uglies with on myspace, where you steal your music, how often you urinate and what color it is, who the real father of your baby is, and all kinds of other vital and pertinent information.
when i heard about it, i immediately went offline, cancelled my internet service, and decided to never use the internet directly again. i bought a fax machine and hired a kid down the street to blog whatever i faxed him. there’s no way in hell microsoft is going to know what i’m doing online. i don’t think i’m the only one, either. i feel very confident that millions of other users have sacrificed the mentally atrophying convenience of online shopping, email, and facebooking in favor of establishing their social inadequacies in person again, just like they did in the mid 90’s before all this internets online thing got started.
so what will america be like offline? equally as rude, arrogant, and obnoxious as ever i assume, but to your face like during the good old days. any minute now reports will be rolling in about hoards of citizens killing off their net access and going analog. department stores will be reopening, postage stamps with lower in price, the riaa will bankrupt working mothers and small children over cd duplication, and phones will become something that you actually talk on. pitchforks will be raised and buildings will burn. violence will erupt in the streets. kittens will run under running lawnmowers in an attempt to flee the vile grip of a greedy software giant.
i’m just sayin’.