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net neutrality isn’t going to murder anything

net n00trality will exploshunz!

network neutrality will not murder creativity, expression, new business, free speech, or innovation. it will not disrupt the economy. it will not bring an end to the internet as we know it. what it will do¬† is keep the internet “as we know it.” however, i can completely understand why you may think so horridly of it if you do. the media isn’t helping you make an informed decision in any way. if anything, the media is at fault for you not understanding what all of this is actually about.

you should already be aware that news doesn’t sell. it used to, but not any longer. if the world isn’t on fire and celebrities aren’t going to jail and nothing has been blown up, shot down, or used to kill something cute, you as a member of this great nation of fat idiots won’t give it a second look. you’re busy. you have reality shows to watch, people to talk about, crafts to not finish, chemicals to abuse, and kids to yell at. because of that, the fear mongering sensationalist press has to angle everything as if it were the eve of the apocalypse. top it off with companies who see dollars left on the table that could be scooped up with a little “internet traffic prioritization”, you have a lot of big players trying to scare you with their fabricated doomsday predictions. with all that being said, what the hell is it anyway?

in the simplest and most applicable terms for you a consumer, net neutrality is the idea that no one should decide for you what services on the internet should work the best for you. it is the idea that your cable company should not be allowed to make your netflix stream like old crusty shit on a diaper so that you will watch their shit streaming service instead. it is the idea that you should still be able to use vonage for your home phone with crystal clarity on your broadband connection despite the fact that your internet service provider also has a useless home phone service to sell you. it is the idea that you should be able to download even the grainiest celebrity sex tapes with the blazing speeds you paid for regardless of the fact that somewhere out there in the vast tubal ghetto of the internet there is a guy sitting on the switch with an agenda against grainy celebrity sex tapes.

sounds awesome doesn’t it? so why make it sound so horrible? the people who would love to profit greatly from giving you fewer choices want it to. if allowed, they would put the hurt on the competition using whatever network magic they deemed fit. they would even leverage their subscriber base to screw with rates and the normal way of doing things forcing content providers to raise prices costing you money. your internet that you pay to use so that you can make the choices that you want would change forever. in bad, tollboothy no-soup-for-you kind of way.

net neutrality hardly sounds like the kind of thing that will punch your grandma then go rolling around in aborted fetuses. so what you reporter miming bullshit echoing talking head impersonators might want to do is a little looking into things before you tell all your friends that micheal copps is the ascended son of satan’s taco diarrhea and that the fcc should be burnt at the stake for imposing its congress appointed authority on us like they would do unnoticed any other day.

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