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patiently waiting for the new iphone

my iphone
this is my iphone. yes, that's tape. it holds the cracked plastic down.

a long time ago when the world was still hot with lava and presidents were still old white guys with no sense of reality, i used a crappy little prepay phone. it got the job done. it answered calls. it made calls. it even had pac-man on it. but just four weeks before the iphone 3gs was announced, i waltzed into an at&t store and spent a bucket of cash on service deposits, activation, accessories, and a brand new first generation iphone. the world was good. i finally had in my hand a device capable of anything i could imagine. it made calls. it received calls. it played pac-man. it also did a billion other things that fall all over the range of can’t-live-without to utterly-useless. it still does most of these things sometimes, as long as it feels like it.

will i be able to hold out until the inevitable iphone 4g/hd/kickass hits the shelves? or will i have to buy a 3Gs now that walmart has slashed the price in half with a contract? the determining factor in that decision is how well the scotch tape that’s holding my first generation iphone together performs over the next few weeks.

that’s right, scotch tape. the black plastic part on the bottom half of the back has cracked in two places starting right between the docking jack and each mic/speaker grille. its cracked so bad in fact that the outer edges want to curl up and expose the cruddy interior of the device. i’m no expert, but i think that might in some way affect the performance a bit. it might even explain why sometimes i completely lose control of the screen. to sum it up, my phone is a beat up piece of barely functioning shit that needs to be replaced, and soon.

so why wait? because there’s new hardware coming. everyone knows it. its almost disappointing the way apple feeds the media little bits and does its finger wagging in an effort to build up demand. so far they’ve managed to lose some prototypes , which resulted in a billion premature hardware reviews and even a complete tear down and hardware analysis. then they asked for it back as if they didn’t have anything to do with its walking out their front door. all of that was plenty to get bloggers like this guy excited enough to perpetuate all kinds of wild what ifs. not that apple needs to generate demand. people would flood in from every direction if apple simply took a dump in a brown paper bag and slapped their logo on it. the iBag. now with iShit.

they also released a developer beta of the new operating system and somewhere buried in their api set was evidence of a new phone. i’m sure apple wasn’t expecting anyone to actually examine and talk about the tools they give the developers to build apps with. that would just be ridiculous. they also bought a foundry or three and started making their own chips, so they must have plans to have the computing edge on more than just the ipad.

then of course there’s the wwdc where apple has always formally announced their coming iphone goodness. on top of that, at&t rolled back the upgrade eligibility date for iphone upgrades. there’s no reason to do that unless you’re about to sell a whole bunch of something awesome,  so that’s practically a smoking gun if you ask me.

so i wait. i’m sure that very soon we’ll hear about this magical new phone in a formal announcement. i’m sure that its going to do wonderful magical new things that will bring peace to my heart and still my restless soul. its going to be an awesome new kind of hardware that will integrate directly with your mind using the latest digital telekinesis protocols. it will have giant robotic arms capable of tearing apart velociraptors that collapse into the case. it will have lasers and hobo repellent. it will stock your fridge with the best beer, only order papa johns pizza, and cure aids. that’s what i’m waiting for.

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