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top ten reasons bacteria are better than you

bacteria having a great time inside you.
bacteria having a great time. all up inside you.

we like to think that because we are humans and tend to get whatever the hell we want because we rule everything, that we are somehow superior to the rest of nature. not so! bacteria are far more efficient than we are, at just about everything. in light of that, i present to you the top ten reasons why bacteria are better than you are, filthy human.

even their waste is useful
if there is a substance, then there is a bacteria that eats it and puts out something useful. there is even a bacteria that farts clean burning fuels, possibly ending the need for oil. can we say that about people? no, we can’t. people are finicky pieces of shit that only eat what they want when they want it. and what happens next? they take a giant dump consisting of the foulest substances known to man, and flush it away never to be seen again. if it weren’t for bacteria, that dump would just sit around clogging up pipes instead of being transformed into dirt, which is useful.

efficiently reproducing makes your species stronger
bacteria just eat a bunch of shit and then decide it needs to be two organisms instead of one. pow! now we have two. that is the epitome of efficient reproduction. humans, on the other hand, wade through months of bullshit trying to get a potential mate, only to find themselves wading through more bullshit trying to get into the pants of said potential mate. even after having secured the mate, and successfully mating, humans then have to wait 10 months while a baby cooks in a belly. once the baby is born, its another 18 years of bullshit before it can go out into the world on its own and start the inelegantly long winded process all over again.

size matters, on occasion
yep, eighteen years for us to mature into adults. and frankly, that’s even up for debate. some stupid humans never become adults, instead they leave you to hold their beer while they invent ways to murder themselves in the spirit of entertainment. bacteria, on the other hand, rapidly mature and are ready to clean up your mess much faster than you can grow capable of even making one.

shape matters too
humans are awkward, bizarre creatures that walk upright against all natural laws. gravity says “you’re safer on four legs.” we say “fuck you. i’m walkin’ here.” our weird ass form with arms and legs and a body that gets too fat to move over time is terribly inefficient. bacteria, on the other hand, take full advantage of their size and shape and waste no aspect of it. we pack on the pounds with pizza and nachos while bacteria stay lean and optimal, using only the junk they need and making full use of the space in their tiny bodies.

garbage men
such an efficient class of beings should be set on high and heralded as superior, but instead they stay in the trenches and do all the dirty work. stupid humans just toss their junk all over the place, expecting it to magically disappear. without bacteria hanging around, nothing would go away. all of our trash would just hang out in pristine crumpled up condition. despite that, we try to off them every chance we get, but don’t worry, they return the favor on occasion.

pre-owned parts
bacteria even have the ability to absorb things around them, including other single celled organisms, and put their parts to immediate use. can a human do that? can a big fat dumbass human eat another dead human’s leg and use it to repair its own broken one? no. human cannot. efficiency fail.

hanging around, literally
humans can’t cling to glass or hang upside down from sheer surfaces. hell, most of us can’t even walk upright most of the time, despite our impressive technology. bacteria, however, have tiny little hair like bristles called Fimbriae (pronounced FIM-bree-ay) that let then dangle comfortably from just about everything. including your face.

back from the dead, like millions of years dead
about a decade ago, scientists were able to revive some bacteria that was found to exist over 250 million years ago. because they are so simple and efficient, a lot of bacteria find themselves suspended in time in all manner of substances. humans can’t even show up to work on monday half the time. we’ll booze it up all weekend, making us wish we were dead by sunday night. do we rise up and snap out of it like our microscopic friends? no. we bitch and moan and fall asleep on our desks.

more human than human
it has been estimated that at any given time there are ten times the number of bacteria in the human body than native human cells. that’s right, you’re already infected, outgunned, and outnumbered. some of them are good and do a great job cleaning up our shit, but some of them are responsible for everything from obesity to terminal illness. how can this be? well half the time your stupid human body doesn’t even know they’re a threat. they’ve been camping out so long that they’ve sort of made their home in you. over 183 individual species have been identified on the skin alone at this point. whose the invader now? them or that stupid cream you pour on to fight those crows feet?

it only takes one to bring you down
bacteria don’t need to be huge, in fact its their size that makes them the perfect killing machines. if so much as one cell of bacteria got into your body and decided you were superfluous, it could run a rampage on your systems that would shut you down in a matter of hours. multiplying faster than you can produce immunities, its newly formed armies would attack every important aspect of you; your organs and other tissues would liquefy leaving you a pile of goo on the floor. the best a dumb human could do is throw a brick at you and miss.

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