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US officially declares war on doing what you want with what you already own

A bill passed unanimously in Washington today that will keep US citizens from actually owning anything at all, but more importantly, it will keep the nefarious citizenry from engaging in do-it-yourself modifications to items they have purchased. The Stop Fucking Up Our Products Act, which is the product of joint lobbying efforts between Sony, Apple, and a few other big names in consumer products, is designed to keep people from fucking with the items they have already purchased and legitimately own.

“Sony had the right idea when they started locking their gaming systems down and litigating,” claims Utah republican senator Phil Ashio.  “We have to stop these home-brew communities in their tracks before trillions of dollars in irreparable damages are incurred. People don’t understand that every time somebody buys and installs one of these ‘mod chips’ or tries to install a ‘jailbreak’ in order to use the device in a way other than the manufacturer intended, thousands of jobs are threatened and hundreds of thousands of dollars in potential sales are lost. Immediately lost. Think of the children. Would baby Jesus want you to behave this way?”

If signed into law, the Stop Fucking Up Our Products Act will essentially strip US citizens of all rights of ownership of all previously purchased property, as well as any future products purchased in the US. Items will instead be owned by the manufacturer who will license to you the right to use the product for your lifetime for a flat fee comparable to the current retail value of the item. Use of the product is then subject to the terms laid out by the manufacturer.This will potentially strike a fatal blow to the mod communities currently thriving and innovating on the internet.

“This is the future of retail,” explains corporate lobbyist and bill co-author Max Sirkelgerk. “The manufacturer retains ownership, and the end user gets to use it how we say they can for life. Essentially it already works this way, we’re just finally formalizing it. People need to stop fucking up our products and doing all kinds of things with them. Who the fuck needs a Playstation Fat Reducing Grille or an iPhone running Linux? Nobody wants that. These people are a serious problem and are spreading their filth all over the internet. Innovation like this is the caustic death juice of the American Dream. It kills children every day. Do you like to kill children? Yeah. God doesn’t want you to either.”

The bill is expected to be placed before the President this Tuesday after his shirtless beach run.

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