elevator etiquette

 
proper attire and stance in an elevator

in an effort to further my goal of never coming into actual physical contact with anyone at all ever, i would like to clarify some pretty simple rules of engagement where the elevator is concerned. to a lot of you, what i’m about to explain will seem like common sense. i can assure you that however common you believe this sense to be, you are mistaken in thinking it is common at all. these inbred animals you refer to as co-workers, fellow residents, or the general public are far from approaching the level of sentience required to be courteous when those metal doors slide open. therefore, i am here to explain what needs to happen when the ding dings.

1: it pushes the button

you should approach the elevator like you would any other piece of mysterious machinery of convenience: with an open mind and a respectful attitude. step to the elevator door cautiously, then push the desired directional button, then step back. those going up should push the top button. those going down should push the bottom button. everyone pushing either button should then step the fuck back and wait quietly. do not hammer on the button like a manic van halen furiously fingering his fretboard. this will not bring the magical altitude adjuster any more quickly. what it will accomplish is setting my mood on fire. push the desired button, then remove yourself from its personal space. quietly.

2: it waits patiently

there is never any need for any member of the unwashed masses to increase the frequency of watch checking, finger tapping, discussion initiation, joke making, or complaining. informing the other heathens in wait with you of the many reasons you may have for being some place else will not invoke the power of the lift and place it under your bidding. what it will invoke is my ire. nobody in the queue gives three shits what it is you hope to accomplish or the dreams that have been dashed by this dastardly device’s non-compliance with your personal unpublished calendar. shut your fucking mouth and wait like a good little cog.

3: it lets them exit first

this is the really important bit. you see, when something has something in it already, it therefore lacks that amount of capacity for new things. this is one of those realizations that separates us from the animals. you have a brain capable of telling you “hey, maybe it would be less confusing, less inconvenient, and less fucking rude if i stood here for a second after the door opens to let the other cogs off before i get on.” don’t ignore this little voice. it is trying to inform you that certain aspects of the laws of the physical universe apply here. you have to wait anyway, so why the hell not allow the current tenants of this cabled death machine have their exodus prior to your ingress? after all, a little patience can avoid sticky situations like shoe-horning your big dumb ass through a door past a bunch of other big dumb asses as they try to leave the elevator through the same door.

this particular step is crucial and when not observed will result in the rage of my soul exploding all over your face, therefore let’s review: stand the fuck back. wait a fucking minute. let the people the fuck off. then get the fuck on. fucking simple. not fucking rocket surgery.

4: it moves to the back after pushing its button

don’t stand in the goddamned doorway. get to the back of the box after you pick your floor and everyone will have room to get on. this isn’t a race and you’re not in fourth grade. nobody is going to win the intarwebz for being first on and first off. put your back against the wall, drop your hands in front of you so as not to accidentally grope any lawsuit-happy sexually repressed assholes, and shut the fuck up.

5: it exits the elevator

when your floor arrives, which is a fucking misnomer considering that the floor isn’t moving, the cog-vator is, you will exit quietly. if anyone is directly in your way and decides not to move, gently announce that this is your floor and wait for them to step aside. most people will step out of the box long enough for you to exit because that is socially acceptable behavior. if you are the one blocking the way, you should also step out of the box and let them off. don’t worry, your lift isn’t going to take off without you. you can get right back on so stop panicking. don’t be a dick.

in conclusion…

you should now understand how to follow proper elevator protocol. failure to comply with said protocol can result in awkwardness. awkwardness may lead to anger, which often leads to hate and then suffering. but if you religiously follow these simple steps, you will be well on your way to not pissing off everyone around you with your douchebaggery.