Scientists today from the Institute of Excessively Obvious Research (IEOR) have announced that human beings are incapable of not taking up the entire fucking sidewalk when traveling in groups. Although commonly suspected by millions of Americans already, the idea that groups of self serving assholes on their lunch breaks experience an imperative and desperate need to not have anyone walking directly in front of them was only just proven today by a team of high-fiving Sunny-D guzzling clipboard mongers in white coats.
“Everyone has witnessed this amazing phenomenon, but now we have results that can be reproduced in an experimental environment”, claims IEOR professor Yakov Dumfukovich. “Until now we really had no idea why people in groups would spread out all over the sidewalk and consume every inch of free space, indiscriminately blocking anyone else who may be in a hurry or traveling in the opposite direction. Now we know. They’re simply self serving inconsiderate assholes who are oblivious to anything happening outside the group. The group provides a sort of emotional feeding frenzy for validation, making it extremely valuable to the individual. When faced with the choice of pursuing this validation over not acting like a douchebag, they will reflexively choose the validation. Zero thought is given to the proper behavior. The validation in turn bolsters the ego, which then makes it impossibly annoying to have anyone walking directly in front of them. The fact that we can reproduce these results at any time is very exciting.”
The researcher goes on to explain that this behavior doesn’t seem to correlate with any of the usual social disorders that typically plague the kinds of people who inhabit urban areas. “Its not like they’re all retarded. Some of them have suits and shit. I mean, they know how to act but they just spread out across the way like some kind of who-gives-a-fuck-about-you machine. Some of them look like they should go back to their mom’s creepy basement or get back in their creep vans, but others should know better.” He goes on to say that this behavior infects the group like a virus, causing the group to behave more like a single organism reaching out for food.
Dumfukovich and his colleagues are releasing their findings in a few short weeks, but are attempting to stir up some buzz about it now on the internet in an effort to fund more research. “We have a blog and everything. Soon as we get the hype up, its google ads. Bam. That’s funding right there, bitches.” explains the excited researcher.