the complete history of the easter holiday

the jesus rabbit bears gifts of jelly beans

it has come to my attention that an explanation of this wondrous holiday is needed. apparently the ignorant american masses have taken the easter holiday for granted with no thought of its origins, or why we celebrate it thousands of years after the initial event that sparked it.  as a public service of posterity, i will now provide to you my loyal reader the complete and wholly accurate account of what easter is, why we celebrate it, and why it is such an important part of our god fearing christian american culture.

thousands of years ago, jews ruled the planet. everything was peaceful unless you didn’t believe in the one true god. if you didn’t, you would likely have your city burned, your wife turned to salt, or suffer an unimaginable plague.  other than burning cities, land wars, violent cultural invasions, tribal conflicts and a generally short lifespan, everything was great. men were treated as well as they could prosper, and women were regarded as breeding stock.

then one day, this guy jesus was born. he was born poor to a carpenter and a virgin. i suspect that she wasn’t really a virgin, but whatever gets a carpenter through the day without smacking his bitch up is fair game.  jesus grew up poor and then disappeared for a really long time. we think he may have gone to china before a far superior alien race stranded the japanese on our planet, but there’s little evidence other than the obvious zen influence that he ever went into asia. wherever he went, he came back with some great ideas.

one of his great ideas was that we should love each other and not be assholes. he also thought we should treat each other with respect. there were some people that thought this was all gay lefty bullshit, so they nabbed him and traded him to some other people for a murderer. the people that jesus ended up with decided it would be fun to kill him, so they did.

that was when they stuck jesus in the magic cave. it wasn’t until recently that we have been able to prove this part, but the cave is definitely magic because three days later, he rose from the dead as an egg laying rabbit. this rabbit was so magical and fluffy and adorable that it could lay chocolate eggs and was widely regarded as the symbol of everlasting life and fertility.

when jesus rose from the dead as a rabbit, he went to the houses of all his disciples to lay chocolate eggs. these chocolate eggs were wrapped in gold and contained the favorite flavorful filling of heaven. its so yummy there’s not even a name for it. i mean there’s a name for it, but you would have to be able to speak ancient aramaic and be an omnipotent energy based entity to say it right. any way, if jesus rabbit visited your house, it was a guarantee of fertility and long life for your home.

the disciples were so taken by the joy of the chocolate eggs that they named the holiday easter,  after that island with all the stone heads on it. i guess that’s like their favorite island or something. anyway, they knew that island was covered in grass, so they made these woven baskets, and put some grass in it. then they set out to collect all of the other jesus eggs they could find in order to share them with the world.

even today we continue to celebrate the jesus rabbit’s rise from death by eating grassy baskets full of chocolate. now when you throw up from eating too many chocolate eggs, you can thank the jesus rabbit for such a wonderful gift.

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